Nothing particular

I have started a new blog whout any particular reason (old one is here SS). Actually, I would like to become fluent in written English. I would like to expres my thoughts clearly.
The people who know me, think that my English is good. I disagree with them. If they try to repeat the thing that I say, they will realise that thay can not do it. It's not because I am smart or dumb, it's because I don't know what I think. I rarely think profound about any topic. I lose the interest in the topic when I think that I understand it. This is so stupid from me. This doesn't help me in any way.
Few weeks ago, I was feeling very depressed. I realised that I can not do anything properly in my life. I have been studding all my life, and still I feel incapable of doing anything usefull. During my life, I alway chose an easier path. Somebody said: "if everything seem easy, than you probably didn't try hard enough". It is totaly true. Only the pain (not physical) and hard work can bring you happiness.
I am to tiread to write a blog now. I can see that my first attempt was a dissaster. If I mannage to write second post better that this one, that will mean that I am improving.